Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Researchers found why Muslims are boring and violent

Richar Kurbaji

15 November 2006

The researchers of human behavior in conjunction with genetic engineers are very close to isolating a unique gene in Muslims that determines why they are boring, depressing, depressed and violent.

Professor John Howard, the renowned expert on racial and religious hatred at the White Australia University (WAU) announced this discovery last night. He described his team researchers’ discovery as a milestone in solving global terrorism.

“We found a unique gene in each Muslim’s genetic material, regardless of their ethnic background, that makes them all terrorists by birth” said Prof Howard. “At last we can prove that the war on Iraq, Palestine, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria... are not because of any economic reasons related to Oil, but as counter-terrorism exercises.”

His colleague on the reasearch, Prof Phillip Ruddock, made similar observations and claims. He said that the team put a few Muslims from different backgrounds and different social and economic classes under different circumstances. These were ranging from total isolation at Long Bay jail to total isolation at desert detentions in Woomera, then total isolation in the Ghettos of Lakemba and Bankstown. They all showed the same symptoms of depression which were then translated into violent actions. These violent actions were ranging from trying to run away to trying to commit suicide by drinking bleach or swallowing razor blades.

Another colleague on the research, Dr Tony Abbot, observed very clear signs of mistrust, inability to adapt and integrate and high inclination to easily explode among the Muslims under research conditions.

“They were very depressed, never understand humor, easy to jump to conclusions and believe in conspiracies” said Dr Abbot. “We acknowledge that we put them under big pressure, humiliate them immensely, degrade their humanity and torture them badly. But in a Western democracy, they should not act so depressed then violently. They should remember the suffering of our ancestors, the convicts, who (regardless of the circumstances) never reacted so violently”

Support for the results of this research also came form Prof Bob Brown, in his section on Biodiverse-related human behavior. He said that the only Muslims he saw in his life were the environmentally ignorant, violent and never smiling heavy-bearded men and totally covered women.
“I never saw a Muslim tying themselves to a tree to stop its uprooting” said Prof Brown. “I also never saw muslims in the park trying to plant a tree at the Tree day celebration. The only time I see Muslims in the park is when they are having BBQs cutting several trees branches to use them as charcoal. They only know how to destroy, never how to plant and construct”

Prof John Howard is now expressing his optimism for the future.

“Once we will isolate the gene, we will be able to produce peaceful genetically-modified Muslims. The new-born Muslims can fit easily in the Western societies, alongside their counterpart born-again Christians”

It is expected that the production of new generation of genetically modified Muslims will start within one year.

This was another satirical opinion piece, proudly brought to you by Jamal Daoud (

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Al Hlialy and Muslims to be blamed for the global warming

Ritchar Kurbaj
10 November 2006

While the row about the Hilaly's comments on rape and “uncovered meat”, did not finish totally yet, Al Hilaly and his community have been blamed by members of parliament, both state and federal for escalating global warming.

Those experts noticed that Al Hilaly is not preaching against his followers from the smoking of the Argilla, a type of water pipe (widely known in the western world as Hubbly Bubbly). The Argilla was found to emmit a large quantity of Carbon Dioxide and other poisonous gas. Taking into account that the Muslim numbers are exceeding 1 billion in population around the world, the emmited gases could cause a lot of damage to our environment and possibly contribute to global warming.

In one religious ceremony during last Ramadan, Al Hilaly was stressing that smoking the Argilla, while not promoted, it is not forbidden. He was quoted as saying “at the moment you can smoke Argilla without any fear of divine punishment”

On another occasion, he was saying that global warming is a “divine punishment” for following secularism. It is very clear that he urges his folowers not to care about the damage to environment.

The Australian prime minister has described his comments as “unAustralian” and urged his community to sack him immediately.

“It is very clear that the Egyptian born shiekh who cannot speak English well, does not feel the 'heat' caused by global warming and other events” said Mr Howard.

Kim Beazely, the federal opposition leader has questioned the reason why Shiekh Al Hilaly cannot feel the “heat”, as if he is not really from this earth. He demanded a royal commission to investigate these claims and the Muslim's responsibility for the global warming. He blamed the government for not doing enough to measure the amount of CO2 emmision from the Argillas, a policy vacuum he promised to fill when he wins government. He also questioned the ignorance from the Department of Immigration to stop the Argilla's smokers to gain residence in Australia, and later, Citizenship. Mr Beazely said, “they should at least learn to speak English before they go smoking the Argilla”.

Kevin Rudd was quick to demand an apology from the Mufti and his community. He also asked the Attorney General to investigate if the Mufti's act was such a serious breech of national security that it should warrant deportation.

Bob Brown, the leader of the Greens Party, demanded that the Muslim community to sack the Mufti immediately and replace him with environment-friendly Mufti, who would commit himself to sign the Kyoto protocol. Mr Brown noted that the Mufti and the Muslim community had the least participation in the rally on global warming last week.
“I did not see the Mufti at the rally last week; I was told that he refused an invitation to attend and commit himself and his community to the principles of Kyoto” Mr Brown noted.

When asked about these claims outside Lakemba Mosque, the Mufti shook his head, smiled and kept going. This could be translated that he cannnot find any excuses any more.

Some Muslims who are long term opponents of AL Hlilay said that he does not represent the Muslims, and without him as Mufti, the community could have easily signed the Kyoto Protocol decades ago. They added their voices to the chorus of politicians asking for his immediate sacking and for a candlelight vigil outside the Mosque until he does.

For more satirical comment, contact: Jamal Daoud (0413 467 367 – that's real!)

Note: The above text does not actually represent the views of those mentioned but the satirical position of our collective existence.

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