15 November 2006
The researchers of human behavior in conjunction with genetic engineers are very close to isolating a unique gene in Muslims that determines why they are boring, depressing, depressed and violent.
Professor John Howard, the renowned expert on racial and religious hatred at the White Australia University (WAU) announced this discovery last night. He described his team researchers’ discovery as a milestone in solving global terrorism.
“We found a unique gene in each Muslim’s genetic material, regardless of their ethnic background, that makes them all terrorists by birth” said Prof Howard. “At last we can prove that the war on Iraq, Palestine, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria... are not because of any economic reasons related to Oil, but as counter-terrorism exercises.”
His colleague on the reasearch, Prof Phillip Ruddock, made similar observations and claims. He said that the team put a few Muslims from different backgrounds and different social and economic classes under different circumstances. These were ranging from total isolation at Long Bay jail to total isolation at desert detentions in Woomera, then total isolation in the Ghettos of Lakemba and Bankstown. They all showed the same symptoms of depression which were then translated into violent actions. These violent actions were ranging from trying to run away to trying to commit suicide by drinking bleach or swallowing razor blades.
Another colleague on the research, Dr Tony Abbot, observed very clear signs of mistrust, inability to adapt and integrate and high inclination to easily explode among the Muslims under research conditions.
“They were very depressed, never understand humor, easy to jump to conclusions and believe in conspiracies” said Dr Abbot. “We acknowledge that we put them under big pressure, humiliate them immensely, degrade their humanity and torture them badly. But in a Western democracy, they should not act so depressed then violently. They should remember the suffering of our ancestors, the convicts, who (regardless of the circumstances) never reacted so violently”
Support for the results of this research also came form Prof Bob Brown, in his section on Biodiverse-related human behavior. He said that the only Muslims he saw in his life were the environmentally ignorant, violent and never smiling heavy-bearded men and totally covered women.
“I never saw a Muslim tying themselves to a tree to stop its uprooting” said Prof Brown. “I also never saw muslims in the park trying to plant a tree at the Tree day celebration. The only time I see Muslims in the park is when they are having BBQs cutting several trees branches to use them as charcoal. They only know how to destroy, never how to plant and construct”
Prof John Howard is now expressing his optimism for the future.
“Once we will isolate the gene, we will be able to produce peaceful genetically-modified Muslims. The new-born Muslims can fit easily in the Western societies, alongside their counterpart born-again Christians”
It is expected that the production of new generation of genetically modified Muslims will start within one year.
This was another satirical opinion piece, proudly brought to you by Jamal Daoud (http://www.jamaldaoud.blogspot.com)